Common mistakes perpetually single women I know do, part I

Just for the record Bridget didn’t made mistakes, she is just an overall idiot.

I do talk to my single friends about their lack of strategy on husband hunting and though I should put on writing. I want to mention that I’m not the most attractive of my friends and acquaintances, far from that, but I’m not the most ugly either I consider myself a pretty average Beta female so this advice is not done out any advantages I could have on the dating market except that I’m a stubborn girl and I really don’t give up on my goals. But aside from that I don’t think managing to get my dream of marriage and children is so hard to obtain for the majority of women out there that want it.

So let’s start with what I see my peers do wrong.

1- You are in love with the fantasy.

Don’t get me wrong I’m romance reader and writer and I consider myself very idealistic. Before I meet my hubby my dream way to meet the future father of my children was in a science conference: a nice college teacher of Japanese origin (I love Otakus… don’t judge me!) will come to my country to give a Physics (sometimes it was climatology depending how bad the hurricane season was) conference. I will intrigue him with my questions, he will find me attractive and we could meet for a cappuccino with brownie (I love those two together) talk more about the issue and from them on love, marriage, babies in a carriage…

But then years passed and that didn’t happened. I managed to move on from that, thank goodness. Before that I was really against long distance relationships and online dating sites but with time… and desperation I learned to try new approaches to the issue and see how it went and half a dozen dating sites later it worked!

There is not right or wrong way to meet people, there is only the meeting the right people and you need to find them anywhere you can.

Caution on bars and Craiglist of course.

2- Your social circle is too small and old.

Dating is a numbers game and is more competitive now than ever was. You compete with every female in your vicinity after 18, divorced, some of the married ones (if the growing numbers of cheating women are to be believed) and of course single like you are, is a battlefield out there. If you have the same friends for a considerable amount of years you probably have exhausted all their acquaintances, coworkers,brothers, cousins….so there is no one single at the moment you could date or the ones that are single are already “discarded” for whatever reason. Make a habit of trying to make a new friend regularly or/and join classes and groups. Meet-up is very good for meeting people and networking and your local mall surely have may activities, like knitting groups, exercise boot camps and so on. Try to pick mixed groups and try to use your herd knowledge to pick good reliable friends.

You need to expand your social circle

3- No one knows you want to meet people with romantic intentions.

Most people, specially women don’t like to admit they are lonely and then your friends are very hard pressed to ask out of fear of being uncomfortable. But this is not an effective strategy. Try to change the see it in another angle. Imagine that you are unemployed and looking would you say to your friends “I don’t need a job, I just want to focus on myself right now” How does that sound? Not good, right? You don’t need to cry in front of them but something simple like. “I’m actually trying to meet a nice man for a serious relationship,so feel free to nudge me in the right direction” Should suffice. Also if you have a friend that has been single for a while do me a favor and ask her “So you are not interested on dating?” before she ends up looking for men in Craiglist and accepting a date from the jerk next door because cute shy guy on the gym doesn’t make a move.Its also a good way for her to ask you the same.

There is no shame on wanting to date and get married

4- You are afraid

Of course you are, dating is scary we expose yourself to other’s people characters and judgement they could decide to make you feel like crap, ugly, undesirable and all your insecurities accumulated all your life will come back to torture you. Who wants to deal with that? No one, but is a necessary part of the process and not doing something out of fear only works if you are avoiding swimming with piranhas. Chances are the other person is as scared as you are so why not try and see if you can make both of you have a nice time. If the guy is not your type at the very least thank him for is time and walk away, if the guy doesn’t dig you he will let you know fast, I promise that you would had learned something and it will be one person less to date, that is progress always.

Fear is a normal part of dating, but no reason to no date

5-You sabotage yourself

Most of my friends don’t realize that they are crashing and burning out of their own behaviour. They tag along with a girl that screws them all the time, like that hot friend of yours who all the men you are interested in end up taking numbers and home. You don’t try and follow up with the cute guy that always ask you about your day at the bakery, you avoid parties and meetings, you stay at home too much, you don’t become a regular of any place, you don’t take care of yourself, don’t act polite and friendly, you have been using the same unflattering haircut for ages, your body language is sending the wrong signals, or you cannot flirt if your life depending on it…The list is limitless this one is one of the times when you need a trusted friend that can tell you in your face what are you doing wrong, you should have some big mouth friends or relatives that can tell you the truth seek them out. If necessary recruit a professional. The first sessions of therapy are usually covered for most insurances so someone that can tell you about your issues can help you almost immediately.And before you say only crazy people go to therapy I had been in the couch many times just to have a perspective to improve myself it works really well. For physical issues you can do it yourself there is a lot of resources about haircuts and wardrobe that can flatter you, you can take make up classes or if you are lazy and/or have the money go to a professional stylist of course do some research some of this professional are just dying to try the new ridiculous fashion on unsuspecting victims. Go for one that actually want you to look good on your own and tell him that you want something you can fix at home too.

You could be a great wife/partner but if your marketing is failing no one is going to know, check it out

Second part, soon!

Herd vs Pack

I will be expanding this blog to discuss other issues that interest me and fascinate me about First World Culture. I will be including tales of my upbringing and life in the third world as well. See if people like the perspective. I will also start to blog more often.

At one of my favorite blogs HUS we started to discuss the differences between female group dynamics: Herds and male group dynamics: Packs. I was fortunate enough that I was able to belong to both packs and herds, my own house was gender balanced with 2 girls and 2 boys, growing up both in school, college, in my writing workshops…so I had been observing a lot of this behaviors and this is my personal take on both.

HERD

Basically herds purposes is to grow in quantity not quality. They examine and individual and try to find a place for it as long as she obeys the herds maxims, that most be respected at all times, the member is regularly observed to make sure she is following the commands a different member will be shamed into adapting as much as possible by adapting herself to the herd’s commands. This is why you see that women start with “Love those shoes!, are you reading this book is great!” they are homogenizing the herd, if any of the girls starts drifting away they do things like start talking about the book she is not reading all the time so she will be forced to conform to not feel excluded, is a subtle but very effective tactic. They can have a Queen Bee but she will be assisted by other females as long as they don’t pose a thread so that is why you see the plain girl being friends with the really hot, one not the second hot one she can become a Queen easily and she won’t let it, there is little personal loyalty in the herd, more convenience of how the herd works for the individuals making them feel good and safe.
Herds are actually very good in times of peace keeping the group with the minimum level of conflict, but in times of chaos and war they will lose many members because they don’t have any inner strength, coordination to defend it or cohesion. Hard to shame your members into fighting a predator and the echo chamber wouldn’t know how to react.

PACK

The pack purpose is quality and strength. They are optimizing themselves to attack a thread or defend themselves from predators in the most effective way by collecting the stronger members and kicking out the weak ones. Most of the guys commenting on the manosphere dynamics had notice that. They pick the favorite male commenters that are considered a strength because their views align with the Alpha and attack whatever weak ones very directly, even though what they label weak could be a good trait to have in the group. The weak one can adapt or leave although if he disagrees but shows strength in his disagreements this could allow him certain level of dissension because a strong individual that is loyal to the pack is a good asset. As mentioned before men don’t need to agree with your lifestyle to support YOU, if they are loyal to you and know you have the same loyalty towards them.
Packs are great for threats and war but they are a mess on times of peace, because in absent of a real enemy they start to attack each other for minor weaknesses and to check loyalty levels and end up cannibalizing themselves unless a predator that bonds them together arrives on time or becoming a wanking self congratulatory circle when no new members are added because they are young and inexperience and refuse to vow quickly to learn the ways of the pack.
Their blind spot is the Alpha; they are loyal to him so if he is wrong there is no way to overcome sans mutiny and for that it need to be organized by the second strongest member, a low ranking member that sees that they are in the wrong would be labeled “weak” and attacked accordingly till driven away, or shutting him up.
The need to having only the best ones without considering other factors makes the pack easy to age, become ineffective and get taken over by a new fresh pack more adapted to the new times, instead of trying to incorporate a fresh take on themselves.

So IMO both models are imperfect, and prone to bias, issues and work against themselves to a point that they can get destroyed. There should be a balance of adding as much members as possible, but also to correct the weak members and help them to become stronger at their own pace without weakening the group or compromising its goals, and have ways to incorporate new knowledge or techniques replace an noneffective Alpha or a toxic Queen Bee with a better choice without losing the experience they have already.
Like in marriage the goal is to keep it functional not to make everyone happy/satisfied all the time, but that most of them get what they need of the group most of the time even if they need to wait for their needs to be satisfied in a timely way.
Balance is the key.

Yes I’m happily married…was it easy and fast? HELL NO!

She only needed to survive a sea monster to find the one? Lucky witch!

So talking with many single women both back in my country and in HUS, lately and I realized that many women assume that I just woke up one day and said: “Mmm I think I should get married…” and my now husband appeared out of thin air with a ring, the papers to sign and totally in love with me and me with him…Oh I wish.
The ugly truth is that it took me almost three years of work to finally have a ring on my finger that I didn’t bought myself.
I first had to an honest assessment of the good things I had going on for me to attract and keep a mate, both physically and in my personality, the bad things that were self-sabotaging me, fix the ones that I could and learn to live with the ones that I didn’t and be honest to my prospects about this, honesty is very important never trick a person hiding your defects is not nice and it doesn’t work.
I have to learn about red flags, must haves…, cannot stand…, reasonable deal breakers, negotiable traits and things I was indifferent about.
I admit that I only read two dating books, but I selected from professionals using this criterion: How long had they been doing this and if they themselves had long marriages (I never bought The Rules for example she was inexperienced both in love and marriage and in the end she did ended up divorcing so I was right about it) because I do believe in the maxim: Physician heal thyself a person advising couples that doesn’t deal with couples issues in a daily basis like the rest of us, is an oxymoron IMO.
I also asked to women I knew that were married for a long time and whose marriages were successful and functional about what they attributed their longevity, thankfully that includes my mom.
I also asked to single women about their “approach” to dating and did the exact opposite because really who you rather take financial advice Donald Trump or the bum that lives on the ban around the river?
I tried to be out and about to meet men, and did meet some prospects but…many people say that you have to kiss many frogs to find the prince, but if you find yourself kissing a lot of frogs you might be leaving on a swamp MOVE THE HELL OUT OF IT!
So after many disappointments both personal and from other single friends that had a lot more going on than me I decided to try online dating.
I tried almost a dozen dating sites, and message first all men that fit my criteria of “this guy seems nice and we have things in common” that was around one hundred. Of those around 40% answered me back and many of them fell through some of them because of distance, some others simply got bored with me, some others I rejected them because they had red flags or lack of compatibility or started playing games. In the end I found my now husband, and it took is six months to start talking marriage and almost two years to marry, then almost two years for the paperwork to be ready so I could move with him and now we are expecting our first child.
This was an abbreviated version of my journey to wife-hood and motherhood.
The message of this story is that finding a mate is not easy. I already had one major and four minors, a literary award in my native language, I was a first runner up in a pageant, and I have countless achievements that cost me blood and tears, and sleepless nights and still finding a good man that was compatible with me, shared my values and goals, was attracted to me and that I was attracted back and that the logistics could work for both, is so far the most difficult thing I ever done (Let’s wait if pushing the baby out of me tops this, but according to my mom it won’t) so if you find yourself single waiting for the right man to knock your door the moment you want him, I have the bad news to tell you that you are very likely to remain single for a long, long time. Leaving personal goals to fate doesn’t work, fate seems to have a long line of women to find love for, it could use some help. I advise to get out there and make things happen if you want the picket fence, the loving husband and the 2.1 children and all the things, a fulfilling family life entails.
Good luck and good hunting!

 

Redefining hypergamy: location, location, location!

One of the principal problems of the modern western woman is that she is attracted to the less amount of men probably in the whole world. According to okcupid data women rate 80% of men as less than average. That means that only 20% of them are considered attractive or above average.
That is hypergamy at work.
Obviously if you have to compete with most of your sisters for the tiny minority of top men, then you are going to have a tortuous dating life and the men you are seeking are going to have mountains of women to choose from. Hard to find a way to stand out and have a guy pay enough attention to you for both to fell in love and have something more than a hook up, with this odds.
But you cannot help but being attracted to what you are attracted…or can you?
Looking at other cultures I had noticed that the top attractive cohort is really diverse most women from third world countries are crazy with “gringo fever” and even though the rumors are that is because of the dollars. The truth is that even a relatively wealthy woman will find a gringo (or other type of first world men like Italians and Spaniards) a lot more attractive than their own countrymen. Is a complex matter that includes the reputation of good faithful husbands usually because in countries were cheating from men are off the charts having a hot cheater has lost the appeal for most of the women that are looking for a serious relationship. I’m going to explore more of the gringo/foreign bride phenomenon in the future but I think women’s attraction triggers are not death set and can be modified by the environment. So what can you do if you sincerely notice that men need to be living Adonis of good looks and social success for you to even register their existence?
Change locations of course and mean it.
Firs stop visiting the environments were the men’s superficial qualities are going to be the first thing you will notice. PUA’s know very well that places like coffee shops, bars (and according to many church) are the places were the smooth talk and confident attitude kill the ladies and make them ignore men with values and character but that lack moves. So avoid those places like hell.
In Korea pro-video gamers are rock stars and girls fall all over themselves like they did for the Beatles so chances are that with a the right mindset you can learn to appreciate and be attracted to other type of guys that most girls are going to be ignoring.
Cultivate hobbies and spent free time on places with majority of males
This is probably an old school advice, but it does works. Video Games stores organize activities and championships, learn to play one video game or two. There is a huge variety so I don’t think you will be bored you can find many games that are very entertaining. Learn to play it and enjoy it. Before you realize it you will be going to the championships and meeting all sorts of guys and without you even noticing they will impress you with their skills and knowledge. Also even if they are not your type yet they can invite you to LAN parties to play and there you will be exposed to another group of people that could lead you to a hidden gem.
Comic Books, sci-fi section of the bookstore,conventions… are usually the kind of places were many committed orientated men have an environment were they feel relaxed and can play their strength at ease and you can be there to witness this display and get interested. Given the nature of this places many of this men are overlooked by the majority of women but a smart girl can find a man without having to claw the eyes out of many opponents.

But again this is a real transformation men contrary to popular believe have little tolerance for fakers. Pretending to like something just to snag a man won’t work in the long run and is a form of con. The point of this exercise is expanding your definition of attractive and adapt to new venues. Not snag a boyfriend and then change him into a more mainstream version of himself after he is with you…that is just a recipe for disaster and really unconsidered from anyone. You don’t get involved with someone to change them. You just don’t.
If you want to know if you really can change your attraction triggers I will say give yourself a year of no bars and general places and just specific places to hang out and learn and see if you develop a taste for a new type of man. After that period maybe trying on some other place or just going back to “Roman circus dating” might be your real self, but “don’t fake it if you can’t make it”.
Good luck in life and love.

How to join a herd.

As mentioned before the herd is neither bad or good but like the metaphor of a knife it can be used to kill someone or to do a surgery and save someone’s life. Is up to you.
Now imagine that you find yourself in need of more female friendship or you want to enter a group that will help you move on on society. Like moving to a new country or starting a new job or a new school. This is one of the occasions were entering a herd is more positive than negative.
Of course the easier step is to join an already existing herd which can be relatively easy. Now warning what I’m about to say will sound a bit manipulative and its to a point, but there is a good goal behind the methods.
You start pretty much doing some detective work aka: stalking and finding out what glues the group of women together.
As a general rule women bond by sharing something, just being a woman doesn’t make other women like you unless something that can only happens to women that has happened to them too triggers the “gender empathy” sexist treatment, to use an example.
If you find a group that is mainly into fashion, to use a common example of a female pursuit, start bringing the latest fashion magazines and casually start reading them at lunch time on your own, this will bring one of the lower ranking females around because she is always eager to gain points and adding someone new at the group is a sure way to do so. Of course reading the magazines is not enough you should also dress like a fashionista to look like an asset to the group but don’t do it in a way to threaten the social organization, meaning dress to the nines but don’t brag or draw attention to you in an obvious way. I can assure you that the women that you are interested on joining are paying attention already, let them come to you naturally.
You can and should also comment on pieces of clothing of the females of the herd again specially the lower ranking ones, you can tell this one because is the one that looks more eager to please, follows the other ones and is the last one to be called or commented at, she them will be more eager to gain some social power by adding a newbie that will be below her at the beginning at least.
This example works in pretty much every herd, if you want to join the nerdy girls use nerdy t-shirts and books, trying to join the business groups reading the latest books and publications dealing with economy and so on..
Now during the first meetings don’t show too much eagerness. Find a way to talk politely and lively for around five minutes and finish with a compliment and a smile and a “thank you so much for the advice/magazine…” whatever was used as a catalyst and move out of the way. Women hate to feel creep out or cornered too early so give her/them space to consider letting you in their social circle, they need to feel is their idea because “you are so nice and hit it off with them right away”.
If you were approached first repeat the favor a few days later, if you approached first don’t ever do it again. If you complimented on a piece of clothing and you can tell they are trying to fish for another one by dressing better unless they ask don’t flatter them again. This will draw their attention.
Just remain in the space for them to find you and approach you at their own pace. Once they talk to you make sure to keep this zig zag till they are talking almost daily. If they invite you to a social setting party, coffee after work or something like it accept right away, not accepting might look like an insult for them and they will not do it again, is really delicate to not accept the first invitation even if you can’t make it try to at least be there for a moment they will appreciate the effort even if you have to go. Pay attention and see who is the Queen Bee this is the moment to butter her up, without forgetting the one that got you the foot in the the door of course.
Later try to tell them that you really had fun and say some ideas or though you gathered from the meeting and if you can actually give credit to the Queen do so “I bought this shoes because of what you said” will make her herding sensors tingle and she will be very eager to bring you in, ASAP.
The rest is more or less social dancing, slowly insinuating yourself into the group and being quick to apologize or back off if you break a rule, no matter how silly you think it is, there will be time to change it after you enter the circle.
Now this is without losing the goal that is finding sincere good friends in the group and then making sure that their friendship will survive even if the herd doesn’t (and herds are unstable by definition) so even if it sounds cold and calculating this is just a way to enter the circle to be honest and sincere once you are in it.
Good luck in life and love.

Redefining Hypergamy: Know the difference between a mistake and error.

So I’m going to have this one with an example that probably many will understand.
Imagine that you are going to buy a house. You suddenly find the house of your dreams it has the rooms you wanted. That space for your office. The living room is decorated the way you want to and you can see your furniture in it and fall in love with it. You buy the house but before you:
A) Did an extensive research check the prices of properties in the same area so you know if is a good deal, you check the house to see if is in good condition, check the history of the house and ask the neighbors if possible even if you can locate a former owner.Everything looks and sounds right.
B) Did an extensive research check the prices of properties in the same area so you know a good deal, you check the house to see if is in good condition, check the history of the house and ask the neighbors if possible even if you can locate a former owner.Everything looks and sounds right and check the prognosis of the housing market. Everything sounds awful the price is too high, the market doesn’t seem good the neighbors tell you that the house has being a pain for a while.
C)You ask nothing. You are in love you want that house that is the only thing that matter.

Now it might be obvious but is not. If after buying the house things start to get wrong then the person that did A was an error. He or she did everything within his/her power to assure a good purchase but sometimes the stars are capricious and in the end things don’t work out.
Now B and C made a mistake they should had know better.
Using the wiki definition:
An ‘error’ is a deviation from accuracy or correctness. A ‘mistake’ is an error caused by a fault: the fault being misjudgment, carelessness, or forgetfulness. Now, say that I run a stop sign because I was in a hurry, and wasn’t concentrating, and the police stop me, that is a mistake. If, however, I try to park in an area with conflicting signs, and I get a ticket because I was incorrect on my interpretation of what the signs meant, that would be an error. The first time it would be an error. The second time it would be a mistake since I should have known better.

So is important to know the difference we live in a privileged time where all the info is available we have biographies, blogs, websites, testimonials, we have books, movies, professional coaches… There is simply no excuse to make a major decision, being in career, friendship or love, without a big body of research so if you want to live a long happy life with the less amount of pain for you and others, you should try to always evaluate your choices. ALWAYS.
There is a quote a like a lot:
A fool never learns from his mistakes and is doomed to forever repeat them. An intelligent man learns from his mistakes and never makes the same one twice. But only the wise man has the ability to learn from the mistakes of others.
Good luck in life and love!

Caprese Salad

Most of the bloggers in my blog roll cook. I cook too in fact cooking is one of my favorite hobbies but for some reason I always feel my recipes are not that big of a deal to post them anywhere.
This time I felt the need to pay forward my fellow blogger Hope who posted a chicken parmesan recipe that I enjoyed a lot and that I did because we both are pregnant and the babies are wrecking havoc in our appetites, so I’m thankful that I managed to find something new that I could eat a big portion instead of eating half of it and begging my husband to eat the rest because I hate wasting food.
In any case this was done with the left over basil from her recipe.
Funny the first time I tried this I was forced to eat it as lunch in an extra job as my only meal in eight hours for one of this healthy food enthusiasts that don’t respect people’s boundaries. I loved it but it was nt the ideal meal for that long period of time. Yesterday I felt la craving for it, simple and refreshing and had a whole dinner with it. Very good for dinner. Is very easy to make I did just enough for me, hubby doesn’t eat tomato, with.
1 red fresh Tomato
1 Bunch (around 12 leaves) of Basil
1/2 pound very fresh mozarella cheese
Extra Virgin Olive oil To taste
Salt and Pepper to taste
You slice the cheese and the tomato thick, distribute the leaves and them toss some extra virgin olive oil and salt and pepper I added a bit of Balsamic Vinegar to some pieces and that gave it an extra kick but the recipe is good either way.
So Hope this was for you. I hope you try it and baby likes it.